There's a new Denzel Washington movie coming out based on the 80's TV Show The Equalizer. When I saw the first preview for it I immediately thought of Jeff Schreiber and wanted to make sure that he knew about it. It was one of his very favorite shows and we watched it faithfully every week.
And then I remembered.
Jeff Schreiber, my first husband, father of my son, and still a dear friend, died in a car accident last November.
Every once in a while something like this catches me and it brings up all the emotion and memory surrounding his death. I know my loss is nothing compared to Kathi's (his widow), who lost a part of her soul that night, but in these moments I feel his loss so keenly.
So I will go see the movie, and remember the times we watched the show together, and pray for his soul in hopes that I will see him again one day.
This one is hard for me to write, hard for me to admit in a public forum. Not because of any stigma, but because I still believe it is a weakness on my part.
Sometimes I suffer from depression. Most days I fight with depression.
I thank God that even in the midst of it I am able to cling to hope. I may not believe in the moment that things will get better, but I am able to remember that I didn't always feel this way.
So I fight.
And my life is good, don't get me wrong. There is much joy in my life, but sometimes I forget. Sometimes I even wallow in the feelings of loneliness and the overall greyness that is life with depression.
And then I remember, and begin to fight anew. It's a bit like in CS Lewis' The Silver Chair when the evil queen throws the sweet smelling perfume on the fire and it makes the prince, the children, and Puddleglum drowsy. She begins to lull them into thinking that there is no outside world, this is all there ever is or will be. It's so easy to fall into that grey slumber. It takes an act of fierce will, and pain to break that spell and fight to remember the Truth.
So I fight, and I remember
Don't tell me that it's not my fault, not a weakness. If that's true then I have no control over it, and no hope. Let me continue my fight, and just understand that even on good days in my fighting to get there I may have very little energy. Be patient with me and just BE with me. If I need help, I will ask, but I do best when I can just concentrate on the moment and NOT always be thinking about it. That's what was so hard about the Robin Williams suicide. It was nonstop coverage about depression, and giving in (I'm NOT judging him on that!) and that just made my struggle all the more...real. But his struggle is not my struggle, and I will continue to believe in the Truth and fight to remain in this world, the real world, the one worth fighting for.
I'm glad I belong to a Church that believes in the efficacy of prayer, and that our prayers are not limited by time and space. Our prayers now reach the ear of God before Robin Williams' death. There is power in that prayer.It cannot change what happened (a fixed point in time and space), but it can affect what were his final moments. I need to remember that, especially when I'm praying for the souls of those who I have lost.
Prayer, it's also a powerful took against the encroaching greyness. Especially when I am tempted to give in. THAT I know is from the evil one. How can I be so sure? Because ANYTHING that would separate me from the Sacraments is from Satan. Giving in to despair certainly does that.
St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle!
So, I fight, and I remember, and I pray.
And I thank God for my friends and family that 'get it' and stand with me and help me to create moments of joy in my life. As The Doctor so wisely said-
The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things or make them unimportant.
I think I need to get that printed and posted somewhere close.
So, I fight, I remember, I pray, and I look for joy.
Thank you for adding to my joy, and for understanding that even though it doesn't take away the pain, it doesn't make it unimportant.
While I was in Arizona seeing Aaryk these last two weeks, we took a few days and went to California. I'll have LOTS of pages to share later, but here's the one I did for the Progressive Scrap at theStudio this month.
Kit: Beach Days Monthly Mega Kit from the delightful and fabulously talented designers at theStudio
It was such a wonderful day, and it happened to be Disneyland's 59th birthday! Keep checking back here and on Facebook for the rest of my Arizona Adventure!
I was having a discussion with a dear friend this week on the topic of the change n music style at her parish. She was overjoyed by the new style but one of her friends who is in the choir is not a fan of the music director or the new songs. (Caveat- I don't have an opinion on the music, it's not my parish and so my point is not to discuss the particulars of this issue)
My friend was having trouble because she did not feel that she was given time to adequately present her point of view to the group, and mostly because she views corporate worship as contradictory to saying "I'm going to enjoy this no matter what the people around me think of it".
We discussed it ad nauseum in another forum, but I am still troubled by the idea that we must all conform to the same tastes in worship in order to be...what...community?
Corporate worship, that one hour a week where we gather as Church is a time to focus on the Creator, to WORSHIP Him. It's not a time to be focusing on the music, the homily, or the kid fussing two rows up unless these things bring us closer to God. If, on the other hand, they DO bring us closer to God as a form of worship, then they are very good. But you will NEVER get a group of more than 10 people together (and 10 is a stretch) who all worship the same way.
Unlike our protestant brothers who split off and form new churches because the pastor doesn't wear a tie, or over the music leader being a woman (two splits in my parent's church in the last decade), we have something that holds us together as Catholics~ the Eucharist. THAT is why we gather for corporate worship, and for no other reason. To receive Jesus, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity at Mass. Everything else is just to bring us to the Table.
Whether or not it was St. Augustine who originally said- In essentials, unity, in non-essentials, liberty, and in all things, charity it's a good reminder that the essentials are what make us Catholic, and that even in corporate worship we have the liberty to worship God as best we can even if it is differently done from the person sitting next to you.
Now, having said all this, what my dear friend was describing, a corporate worship where we are all of one mind in how we worship the King of Kings is something that I long for. But I know that we will only sing with one voice on the other side of Glory. The Angels and Saints are doing it right now, and one day I will join them in that glad song.
But for today, I will gladly stand next to you and worship with you, praising God with all my heart even if we do it differently.